Both Directions

I went for a lot of coffees and I made a lot of travel plans and thought a lot about the future, and then, wait, what? I was offered a year-long contract five days before Christmas. I accepted it with much pleasure and then two days later went on holiday with my friend.

We spent a week at his sister and brother-in-law’s farm as we did in April and which I cannot currently link to because I haven’t sorted out how I might do that on this phone so this is going to be a plain-text experience for everyone. Whilst on this un-linked farm I met G’s mum for the first time, made too much tiramisù for Christmas, played with the two-year old on a trampoline and ate a lot of scorched almonds, among many other delicious treats.

Then it was time to go to the delightful Coromandel Peninsula, where G did the best man thing at his best friend’s wedding and where I discovered a hidden talent for impromptu day-of-wedding coordination.

We spent New Year’s in a little retro green polka-dotted caravan in Coromandel Town, drinking leftover wedding bubbles:almost half a glass, in my case! It was pretty busy there because all of Auckland spends its Christmas holidays there but we managed to do lots of fun things like snorkeling and going to Carhdral Cove and driving along twisty gravel roads to cool general stores in the middle of nowhere and reading books and drinking coffees at a variety of hippie cafes.

All well and good, all very fun and relaxing and a really nice break from Wellington, to be honest, because even I need to stretch my wings outside the city of my heart sometimes. And then yesterday–was it yesterday? Time zones and international datelines confuse me at best–G went home and I got on a plane for Thailand instead.

I lost my mind for a while there after I lost that contract (Through No Fault Of My Own) in September. I began to feel like Wellington was, somehow, turning against me–everything just felt so hard, just all the time. I started thinking about giving up my flat and leaving the country for a while: life is short, there will be plenty of jobs from which to be rejected later, money will probably go farther travelling abroad then paying rent and being unemployed, at least in my neighbourhood. There was something very tempting about just giving up and not caring about work anymore, not having to tell people I was ‘between contracts right now,’ just not dealing with any of it. Doing something cool instead.

There is, of course, a part of me that wishes I’d done just that, that really thought I might actually do it. Another part of me very assiduously applied for jobs and went to lots of coffees and did everything you’re supposed to do when you want to be practical and realistic; when you know that most adventures end at some point, right, and when you also really live your city and your community and don’t know if you have it in you to start over again and again and again.

Those two poles: safety and stability vs. adventure and excitement, have been pulling me in equal and opposite directions for the majority of my thirties. I know I am not the only one.

So I took a deep breath, Novemberish, and decided to be both parts, all parts of myself, for a while, and to go in both directions at once. All Chiara, all the time. I booked flights to Bangkok, realising that hey, I’m not working, I can do what I want. A month. I continued applying for jobs and talking to many many people about work as I was researching conservation dive courses and Isaan cooking classes. Either I get a great job and I have to cancel, or I have a great holiday and just do what I’ve been doing when I get back. Easy.

I almost didn’t apply for this job because it was so close to Christmas but I try to be good about that, try to apply for everything for which I am at least sort of qualified. Imagine my surprise when a) I was offered it and b) they wanted me to start in February, after I came home from my trip.

Both directions, at the same time. The best of both worlds. The end of 2013 was so much better than the rest of the year, I can barely believe it. All there is to do is be grateful.

Meanwhile I’ve been in Bangkok for about twenty-six hours. I’m still a bit trepidatious, about a lot of things, but here I am. Here I am, there I’ll go: both at the same time. All the parts of me, all at the same time.