I don’t want to write here, anymore, in this way, in this place. For a while. Forever? For some time, now.
Writing here used to be one of the signal pleasures of my little life, you know? People were always asking me “Are you going to put that on your blog?” and I’d be like “Totally! I’m going to totally put it on my blog!” And I would, I would write and write and write, it feels like now, and it was the best thing ever, and I would write some more and I wouldn’t care if it was good or if it was bad because it was mine and that was good enough. Years ago I used to race home from whatever stupid job I had and run over to the laptop, just so I could write about my life, right here on the internet where people can see. Even a couple of years ago I was still having ideas on the bus and fishing around madly in my purse for a pen and paper so I could make sure to get everything all down, so I could make sure to write about it here. I met some wonderful people, because of the strange strong desire to run home and write it all down and post it all up.
How did I go from that time to this time, where I sigh and roll my eyes and put off posting my silly holiday pictures one more night? (Yeah, I went away for New Year’s. Who cares? Not me). When did it start feeling like a chore? When did I start flinching at whatever I posted? When did I stop telling people I had a blog?
I can’t tell you any of that because I don’t know. I remember when I first started writing online, ten years ago, people would sometimes ‘go on hiatus’ and there would be a lot of speculation about why, and the writer would be silent for a while, or occasionally pop back up, or start a new blog somewhere else, or just never be heard from again, at least not among her readers who only knew her in that way. And you’d sort of wonder what had happened, and be sad a little–because you’d feel like you knew them, which you kind of did, and it’s natural to be sad when you lose touch with someone you know. And that would be that.
I never thought I would do that. Of all the various thoughts and feelings I’ve had about this blog thing, I never thought I would just up and quit. I never felt the need to make an announcement, either, like I always just thought that I should write whenever I wanted…because that’s the whole point…and it wasn’t something to be all drama queeny about.
It’s true I am more self-critical. It’s true I don’t feel comfortable writing about the things I really want to write about, anymore. It’s true I feel trite. It’s true I feel wary of my privacy. It’s true I feel like it’s an obligation to write here–just because I have been doing it for what feels like so long, and it’s just what I do, and I just do it.
But I don’t know why, this time, I feel like I have to say something about it. I guess I just feel guilty, looking at all the time that now passes between posts. (Is that even something to feel guilty about?) I feel stupid for having nothing to say.
Because what is so strange is that nothing’s even happened. There is no reason to feel or think this way about this thing I have done quietly, in my own little corner, for all this time. Nothing has happened, there is no reason.
But still, I’m not going to do this anymore, for a while. Secretly I hope not forever. Secretly I hope I’ll be able to run home and write again, and that there will still be people to read it if I do.
Comments
18 responses to “Anymore”
Not secretly I hope you don’t go away forever. The internet would be such a sad place without ampersand and you.
I have to agree… I have so loved reading about your adventures – as well as your daily grind. In fact I think I have enjoyed that more. It’s been nice to read a blog that isn’t full of drama and soap opera.
I also guess that blogging in NZ has a different feel to blogging in NZ – its not so mainstream here.
Good luck on what ever is next in your life.
That’s what RSSes and Google Readers are for: so your loyal fanbase will be notified of the happy day when you next post again.
Never say never, and it might just be wishful thinking, but I’m pretty sure that I’ll be commenting on your posts in the years to come!
I’ve greatly enjoyed your blog over the years, and got a real sense of the way you’ve grown and developed. Recently there’s been a strong vibe that you’ve outgrown this particular project, so this comes as no surprise. I’ll miss you, though.
Live long and prosper.
We’ll miss you, but if it’s not fun for you anymore, then by all means take a break. For as long as you need. We’ll all still be here when you decide you want to come back :-)
You shouldn’t do it if it feels like work, probably. Thanks for letting us know.
We will miss you on your hiatus-that-will-not-be-forever-I-hope!
I’ll miss you!
I found you through Sharon Moore,. I loved reading your ideas about bellydancing and, once I kept coming back, about life in general (recently your circus camp experience reminded me of my burner/dancer camp trips). If blogging is no longer bringing you enjoyment and satisfaction it makes sense to take a break, but I for one hope it’s not forever. Just in case I’m going print out your “11 Reasons You Need to Be Bellydancing Right Now” because I love to reread it and share it with other dancers!
I like your writing and I will secretly hope that you do another project but I also want you to do what works for you, and I wouldn’t want this to become an onerous obligation.
I hope you’ll be back, too. I completely get why you don’t want to write online anymore, though. I feel the exact same way; things I normally would have run home to blog about now stay with me, in my non-internet life, and that’s what works for me right now.
We can’t even ask you to just post your book lists? I love your book lists… (I know, I know. Hiatus. You do need to do what you need to do. I get it. We’ll miss you; even those of us who haven’t commented here in years because…I don’t know why.)
Writing should never be a chore. Although I will miss your posts there is too much we have to do for work, family etc. to have your blog be one more commitment to slog through.
I hope a break will make you long for writing again, for I want to know how your story turns out!
Be happy!
Susan
Long time reader, first time commenter delurking to say I understand wanting to stop writing here temporarily or permanently, but I’m not going to remove you from my RSS feed in hopes you’ll be back. You might not post frequently, but when you do, it’s always great. You are a talented writer and I hope you have other outlets for it in the meantime.
Another long long time reader first time commenter who has enjoyed reading about your adventures all of these years. I hope life treats you well. x
Not-so-secretly I hope not forever either, but we will still be here if/when you come back — as Theresa said, that’s what RSS is for. Happy trails and we’ll miss you.
Congrats! Do what you feel is right for you. It is hard to make significant changes, but you have some history and completed them well. I do think/hope that you will pursue (perhaps you have already found it) another avenue to express yourself and thoughts. I ‘met’ you when my daughter was born, 5+ years ago, via my friend Calin. You are a wonderful story teller. Thank you for sharing with us.
Hugs,
I’ll miss you too, but wish you happiness in all your endeavors.