Today

Today I woke up about ten minutes before my alarm and the sun was shining, so I got to put on a somewhat flouncy skirt. I put in a load of laundry and a load of dishes and made sure to put on sunblock before I left the house and I listened to Fat Freddy’s the whole way to work, sunglasses on, walking the same route I’ve walked almost every day of the past eighteen months. A dad with a stroller and two wild barefoot mess-haired little girls walked by me and the little girl nearest me turned around and looked up at me and gave me a big toothy grin, like she knew me, like we shared a secret.

Today when I got to my room at work two of the three other people I share with were talking about me. “We were just talking about you,” one of them said as I put my bag down. “We think you’ve done a good job here.” I don’t blush but if I did I would have. “But it’s not even my birthday, I said. “Wait, let me get my bag again and I’ll go out the door and then come back in again and you can say more nice things about me because you guys are the best” they laughed at me for a while and then I went and got everyone a cup of tea.

Today I made the calls I had to make and wrote the notes I had to write and saw the clients I had to see. One person I met with gave me the greatest gift, something I wasn’t expecting at all during a really difficult and frustrating couple of weeks: he told me he was doing fine, showed me he was doing fine. “I’ll update you if I need anything,” he said, “but I think I’m sweet for the moment.” I was stunned and proud and a little flustered, having anticipated a really different conversation. I came back to the clinic and told my co-worker the good news, who said “It’s just what you would hope, isn’t it?” The sun kept shining and I thought about how anxious I’ve been at work, how completely convinced I’ve been that this job is impossible and that I am a complete failure at it. “Yes it is,” I replied, and I heard a little voice say “See? See? It’s worth it.”

Today I went, on the recommendation of one of our Iraqi interpreters, to an Assyrian-owned place for lunch and read the paper for a half hour while I snarfed down my mixed vegetarian kebab before finishing up my notes for the day. My social work supervisor called me to say she was back from her holiday and that she was really looking forward to catching up next week; when I reminded her that I would be leaving in two weeks, she said “Already?” I called the bar where I’m having my going-away party and they called back to confirm within the hour; I texted everyone about it and got lots of nice replies back and made dates to catch up with everyone separately before I go. I emailed Tracy about an article about beauty she sent me and Marcy that I’ll see her at the train station when she gets here in a couple of weeks and A. that I might know someone who wants to move in when I move out. The clinic was quiet and most people had gone home early so I was out at five on the dot. I waved goodbye and thought about all the fun I plan to have trying to attempt the Tongariro Crossing this weekend, and I stopped at the Chinese fruit mart on the way home and got a bag of tiny and perfect plums.

Today when I got home I took a delicious and decadent nap in a square of sunshine on my bed and woke up when A. came in going “Hello wife!” She had toast and tomatoes for dinner and I had yogurt with honey and a plum and I told her about my day at work while I took my clothes off the dryer and she told me that she’s lent the vacuum cleaner to a friend and about the various karaoke songs she sang last night and the various interpretive dances her gay boyfriends performed with her. We watched the trashiest and stupidest television we could find and I pretended to be a poor forlorn model rejected by Tyra Banks on the catwalk even though we were watching a completely different reality show about completely different crazy people. The tuis outside our living room window sang sang sang until the sun went down and I dipped a ginger nut into my last cup of tea for the day.

Today I really should have called Air New Zealand again and I ought to have packed for the trip at least a little bit but I have just decided to leave the window open and go to bed early instead of worrying about that. We’ll drive up to the mountain tomorrow and I’ll have to remember my iPod charger and my camera and my thermals just in case and I’ll probably bring the rest of the plums to eat in the car. I’ll try to do the Crossing and then I’ll come back and then it will be two weeks left, then one. This time next month I’ll be on the beach in Rarotonga, this time I’m the one who’s leaving, this time it’s everyone else who’s staying behind. I’m here now, though. For a little while, for a few more days, I’m still here.

It’s been a small day, today, I guess, but I somehow I feel my heart getting bigger all the same.