Everything Is Still Going To Be All Right

It’s continued to be pretty intense around here for the last couple of days, I tell you what. I went on this awesome weekend trip to Taupo last week with some fantastic people and am currently trying to figure out a way to meet up with those very same people this week except it has to happen today if it’s going to. My visa application was lost and then found, and is now finally being processed, so I still can’t work, but I seem to have picked up work obligations nonetheless. My mom wants to come visit for New Year’s again but I can’t make any plans there either until the visa stuff works out. All of my electronics have decided to crap out on me, including my iPod, which, don’t laugh, is like an actual real loss at the moment. A lot of my friends are going through really tough times right now and I want to fix everything and make everything all right but I can’t seem to. If the visa does come through soon, this new job is going to be very intense and difficult, and I’m a little afraid I won’t be able to do it; if it doesn’t come through then I don’t know what will happen, other than that my current visa will be up at the end of November, so like in six weeks. Even if I do get the visa next week, I’ll still basically have to continue to job search and get yet another visa if I want to stay longer—and of course that brings up a whole host of other issues, doesn’t it?

I’m either running around seeing friends and doing things and having weird awesome conversations and seeing cool shows and going to difficult dance classes, or I’m spending hours on the phone on hold, shredding my cuticles and generally worrying about everything. It’s no way to live, man. Last night A. and I made dinner—she’s recently into cooking and I have been reaping the delicious rewards thereof—and watched Outrageous Fortune and did a face mask, and I thought a little longingly of this time last year, which is hilarious because I was pretty miserable, but at least I had a decent idea of what I would be doing on a day to day basis and I wasn’t always looking up flight prices and trying to make the math work out.

At the same time—I don’t know, even though I am craving a modicum of stability at the moment, there’s this other part (rather a tiny one, of course) of me that sort of likes the unpredictability. There’s a little itty bit of me that sort of likes the drama, that likes seeing what I can come up with and juggling all the pieces to make them come together into something cool. I keep thinking that one of the reasons I am able to deal with some unknowns at this point, the reason I have been able to go to Australia and to live back here in Welly while I look for a job and possibly go to Rotorua on a moment’s notice for fun and happiness purposes this weekend is because last year I was boring and I went to work every day and saved up my kiwi dollars and walked to work and brought my lunch. It wasn’t that difficult, really; I was able to have a lot of fun last year too—I think it helps that I’m easily amused and also sort of a cheap date. I guess I have just been wondering about that balance, about instant and not-so-instant gratification, maybe even since I left for Australia. It’s anyone’s guess as to when that’s all going to even out, when I’ll get back into a routine and start complaining again about how boring my life is and how I never do anything interesting or cool.

My head and heart are still very mixed up at the moment as I write this, waiting for various people to make various decisions that will affect me both long and short term. It’s unclear where I’m going, where the path is leading me, what the outcomes of the steps I’m taking will be—but, you know? I feel okay. I feel crazy and unsure and very hectic when I’m not chewing my lip listening to “Weather With You” on hold with NZ Immigration for the eightieth time, but I guess something I’ve had to really learn since I’ve been here —that I will probably be learning for the rest of my life–is that everything is going to be all right. Somehow, someday, no matter where you go or who you’re with or when your visa comes through, everything is going to be all right.