If I were a sin I’d be envy.
If I were a color I’d be dark red.
If I were an emotion I’d be schadenfreude.
If I were a fabric I’d be slightly wrinkled linen.
If I were cheese I’d be chevre.
If I were a phobia I’d be athazagoraphobia (fear of being forgotton or ignored), kakorrhaphiophobia (fear of failure or defeat), or rhabdophobia (fear of being severely criticized).
If I were an illness I’d be consumption.
If I were a short story I’d be “The Lottery” by Shirley Jackson.
If I were a body part I’d be my own wrist.
If I were a fluid I’d be Good Earth Original Tea (decaffeinated).
If I were a fruit I’d be a ruby red grapefruit or a pink lady apple.
If I were a semi-precious jewel I’d be a freshwater pearl.
If I were a cephalopod…huh, I can’t think of what I’d be. Chambered nautilus? No. Architeuthis squid? Nah. Cuttlefish? No. I got nothing.
If I were a house I’d be an overpriced duplex with poor insulation at the edge of a cool neighborhood.
If I were your ex-girlfriend I’d be the one who wrote poetry about you in her notebook and got stonily silent when you said you couldn’t come over tonight.
If I were your ex-boyfriend I’d lose the poetry you wrote me on the bus and not be able to come over tonight.
If I were the weather I’d be cloudy with occasional sun breaks and chance of thunderstorms.
If I were a packed lunch I’d be a spinach salad with blue cheese, cranberries, pecans, and a balsamic vinaigrette.
If I were a holiday I’d be Memorial Day.
If I were your mother I’d be there when you got home from school but I’d have forgotten to make you a snack.
If I were your father I’d be cheering embarrassingly for you at your school play and force you to talk into the video camera.
If I were your high school teacher I’d be the recovering alcoholic in the English department who took you aside one day and told you that I really thought you should pursue writing.
If I were a DSM-IV diagnosis I’d be Adjustment Disorder With Mixed Anxiety and Depression.
If I were a drug I’d be Vicodin.
If I were an alcoholic drink I’d be red wine.
If I were a natural feature of the landscape I’d be a marshy wetland.
If I were a city I’d be Portland, Oregon.
If I were a pair of shoes I’d be Mary Janes.
If I were a floor covering I’d be sustainably harvested bamboo.
If I were a pie I’d be Key Lime, made with real Key limes.
If I were a kitchen appliance I’d be an Oxo vegetable peeler.
If I were a room I’d be the cloud room.
If I were a dress I’d be slightly faded from the wash but would still make you look hot.
If I were a flower I’d be a chrysanthemum.
If I were the internet I’d be a solipsistic online journal.
If I were a restaurant I’d be open late and serve fancy comfort food.
If I were a cupcake I’d be chocolate with lavender frosting.
If I were your lover I’d be spooning you and making up a silly song and possibly biting you on the shoulder.
If I were a musical instrument I’d be a cello.
If I were an element of Burning Man I’d be the loss of depth perception.
If I were a language I’d be Italian.
If I were bread I’d be the crusty kalamata olive from Tall Grass Bakery.
If I were milk I’d be two percent.
If I were a body of water I’d be the tropical sea.
If I were an urban pest I’d be a termite.
If I were a childhood fear I’d be left alone in the station wagon with my baby sister while Mom runs into the dry cleaners and forgets to put on the emergency brake.
If I were a hair product I’d be leave-in conditioner.
If I were a bellydance move I’d be the double maya.
If I were a murder weapon I’d be an ornate ring filled with
poison.
If I were sushi I’d be a salmon skin hand roll.
If I were a picture I’d be a half-blurry candid taken at a dinner party.
If I were a deadly animal I’d be a giant anaconda.
If I were a plant I’d be a banyan tree.
If I were a dip I’d be hummus with extra garlic.
If I were a heavenly body I’d be the moon.