I have this thing where I only hang out with hot girls. It’s not that I have any sort of “no uglies” friendship policy or anything, it’s just worked out that every single woman friend of mine happens to be gorgeous. Are you a girl? Do you hang out with me? Then you are hot, the end. I am just lucky that way.
My friend Steven was curious about this ability of mine, and wanted to know how I manage it. Where do all these beautiful women come from? How do I meet them? Why am I always going out to dinner or to the craft show or to the roller derby or for cupcakes with them? How do I do it? I guess it’s not really fair to keep all the pretty for myself, so I would like to present you with a couple of my special Chiara-style time-proven tips for getting hot women for your very own self.
Go To Elementary School I suggest doing this, if you possibly can, during the years 1980 to 1987, and also being appropriately elementary-school aged yourself, you sickos. Starting a sticker collection, with the oilies separated neatly from the fuzzies and the shinies, is a great first step. Joining Brownies and ballet class can’t hurt either. Next you’ll want to form a secret club with several of the prettiest girls in your class, where you will paint a treehouse pink and green (see: 1980-1987), trade the aforementioned stickers with a level of seriousness normally reserved for corporate takeovers, and conduct highly scientific experiments to see what happens when you jump out of your friend’s second floor bedroom window. Because these girls will have braces and perms and will be wearing a lot of goomie bracelets with their laceless Keds for a while, it will be a little difficult to classify them as “hot,” strictly speaking, but hang on to them anyway. The eighties will eventually end and you will all wear chokers and babydoll dresses for a while and then you will get to the hotness, I promise.
Go To College College, as we know, is bursting at the seams with dewy specimens of hot young womanhood, so you shouldn’t have too much trouble here. One faultless method that worked out very well for me once is to challenge a girl in my Bible study to a dance-off at an upcoming dorm party. (For optimal results she should be wearing jeans with butterflies on them at the time.) Assuage her terror at the actual party by assuring her that you have not a competitive bone in your body and was just kidding when you challenged her, and spend the whole night dancing around with her anyway but in a non-confrontational way, and then spend the next four years of college taking walks to deposit your measly work-study paychecks and talking about boys. I highly recommend this strategy as it will garner you at least one really hot and really awesome friend that you would do well to keep over the coming years.
Join A Low-Paid, Low-Prestige Profession, And Bonus Points If You Actually Have To Pay To Go To Grad School To Do So. Oh, man. This is where it’s at, my friends. I can mostly speak for social workers, but I bet you’d have similar experiences with teachers, librarians, and public health workers too. These are the kind of hot girls who will stay late from class to make banners for any upcoming WTO protests that might be coming up and who will sit with you at parties alternately pulling out their hair for political reasons and discussing their various strip club experiences. They are excellent for preaching-to-the-choir purposes and they love to spend hours at the coffee shop dissecting the personality flaws of all your mutual friends. This is especially helpful if you happen to work with them because you always have someone to roll your eyes with when your budget gets cut again or at yet another departmental potluck.
Bellydance Bellydance, it is widely known, actually makes you hotter, so not only will the girls you meet there already be hot, they will get even hotter as your friendship progresses. You’ll start off innocently complimenting someone’s hip belt, and then you’ll notice she can actually do a layback, and then before you know it you’ll be slapping each others’ asses at Monday night class and sitting cozily together at Moroccan-themed bars in Capitol Hill, sharing a nice plate of marinated goat cheese and discussing how to switch smoothly from bicycle shimmy to articulated shimmy and where to get good bindis. The more girls you get to know in class the more people you’ll feel comfortable dueting with, plus if you start going out with one or more of them regularly, you always have a trick for boring parties that could use a few belly rolls to loosen things up.
Write Online The beautiful women will just come out of nowhere. You’ll start reading their journals, (you will have to call them blogs around the beginning of 2004), and you will be blown away by how funny and true and just all around good the writing is, and you’ll wish you could be best friends with these girls. And then! You’ll start your own little journal and write tremulous fanmail to some of your idols and slowly you will get to meet some of them in person! And you will find out that not only are the women you met on the internet awesomely talented writers, they are also stunningly gorgeous and even funnier in person and they are also good for dinner parties and book clubs and lunches out, if they happen to live in your city, and for snarky emails and sweet birthday cards and going with you to see the dead people exhibit in Chicago or meeting you for an hour in New York City for gossip and to look at pretty food if they don’t. All you have to do is write about your silly life in a place where people can see and all of a sudden, the pretty ladies, they come flocking to you. The benefits of sweet, sweet narcissism.
Go To The Spa Plenty of hot girls there. You can strike up a conversation in the whirlpool room about how you’re both naked except for your pink striped shower caps.
Just Hang Out With Hot Girls To Begin With This is really the best way to hang out with hot girls…just find some, and talk to them, and tell them that you like their pretty homemade skirt, and invite them to have tea and then spend the time letting your tea get cold and talking about why some people can’t act right and how some people think they know everything but they don’t and how some people are fantastic and don’t know it, and they should know it, and how some people are just crazy. This new hot girl friend of yours will undoubtedly have other hot girl friends, and before you know it you will be going to shows at the Tractor together and swapping holiday cookies and going to brunch and to the Gay Cowboy movie after a trip to the Sunday market. And before you know it you too will hanging out with beautiful women all day every day, having the time of your life.