Nia class (otherwise known as Hippie Woo Woo) is at five thirty. I usually get there a little early and watch the tail end of the hip hop class that’s right before us. They’re very good, this hip hop class. They are pretty coordinated and synchronized and they look just like the Fly Girls from 1991. I found myself comparing them to the Nia class last night.
What They Wear In Hip Hop Class: Yesterday the teacher (who’s maybe 21 years old) had on camouflage Capri-like pants and a tight black shirt and a matching camouflage cap. She also had a hoodie on, the hood of which she pulled up over her cap. Fierce, man. Everyone else in the class wears either what I think are velour tracksuits or very tight shelf-bra camis. Everyone wears a lot of makeup.
What We Wear In Nia Class: Yoga pants, yoga pants, yoga pants! Some people wear oversized t-shirts that say Community Partnership Consortium Conference 1999 or Walla Walla Sweet Onion Festival. Yesterday I took off my black shirt from Target with the mah-jongg design on it to expose my racer-back shelf-bra thingy that I got on sale last week. Because I want to be fierce too.
What They Look Like In Hip Hop Class: Young and fresh and sweet and dewy, with long black hair (just a few caramel highlights) that sweeps around them in storms when they do their step-ball-changes and head rolls. Their bodies are tight and hard and they look at themselves in the mirror constantly, secure in the knowledge that everyone wants them. Their limbs are loose and fluid and they bounce through their routines effortlessly, making adorably distressed moues with their full and dangerous lips, should they happen to miss a beat. Their eyes are furnaces of barely-concealed potency and a single arch of an eyebrow is enough to make the watchers pant a little.
And that’s just the boys.
What We Look Like In Nia Class: As if we are lifelong university bureaucrats, with wash-and-go-haircuts and bad ankles. We are constantly off the beat and have to be told to “really get yourself into it!” We all have furrows between our brows and we all carry farmers’ market tote bags. I probably would kick us out of bed for eating crackers.
What They Dance To In Hip Hop Class: I don’t know. Stuff from the KUBE, obviously.
What We…Uh, Move To In Nia Class, I Wouldn’t Really Call It Dancing, But That’s Just Me:
Music that involves a lot of “HEEEEEEYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHH” sounds. Sometimes there is some salsa-like stuff and very often, for reasons I don’t totally understand, there’s this weird Riverdancey music. Also a song that has the “I Have A Dream” speech in it, which makes me laugh for some reason, even though I know it’s against the law to laugh at a song that has the “I Have A Dream Speech” in it. It just reminds me of the Tom’s Diner song.
What I Imagine The Hip Hop Class Instruction Sounds Like: “Do you want it? DO YOU WANT IT? You have to WANT it, bitches! That’s right! No one’s going to GIVE it to you…you gotta WORK! Unh! Work it! I said, WORK IT! And FIVE SIX SEVEN EIGHT!”
What Nia Class Instruction Sounds Like: “Okay, I just have to get something off my chest here. Last quarter, for those of you who weren’t here, we had class in a big beautiful room upstairs with windows that looked out towards the mountains. The energy was really peaceful and centering, you know, especially when we did journey songs, because we could go out to the mountains and then back in to the center, you know? I felt very free there. Very, very free. But now? Now that we’re in this room with no windows…and I stress that I had no idea that we wouldn’t have windows this time…well, the energy isn’t quite right. I’m very sensitive to energy, to vibrations. I can just feel them. I came in last week and I was assaulted by the energy in this room, and I went to my spiritual mentor for advice, and he agreed that it was very important to restore some sort of balance to the room. So I brought in this batik-print cloth to cover up the stereo, because I find that that kind of machinery is very distracting to me? And I want to really encourage you to bring in anything, anything that will help you feel some good energy here. Flowers. A scarf! A ribbon! I might bring in a jasmine bush. Stones that have meaning for you. Anything! I just really wanted to share with you about all this…now I’ve given it to the universe and we can go on from there, okay? Whew! That was me being vulnerable!”
What I’m Assuming They Do After Hip Hop Class: Totally have sex.
What We Do After Nia Class: Totally have hummus and pita.
What They Probably Do In Their Heads During Hip Hop Class: Enumerate all the things that make them hot. Decide which low cut shirt they’re going to wear to Intro To Statistics tomorrow morning. Think about Red Bull and vodka. Think about body glitter. Think about all the people they’ve had sex with in the past. Think about ramen. Think about how it’s totally unfair they can’t afford Mazatlan this year when that bitch Alisha totally gets to go because her parents give her everything. Think about all the people they’ll have sex with in the future.
What I Do In My Head During Nia Class: Write journal entries.