Feeling tired? Sore? Stressed? Clearly, you need to know How To Go To The Spa.
10:00 Wake up. No, really. This late. You are Slacker McBedhead. Your Friend Abi is also just waking up on the purple futon. Having her here is like a continuation of the weekend’s party. Watch her make you a protein smoothie, just like your doctor ordered. Hardly taste the protein powder at all.
11:30 Go check email. Your Friend Treasa now has office space in Carl’s basement. Be impressed that she’s actually doing work. Have vague recollections about what doing work is like. Listen to her talk on the phone with your office when you check your email. The three of you are going to have to leave by 12:00.
12:30 Get in the car and rush to Treasa’s house, pick up her boyfriend, rush to get on the freeway, and thankfully get in the carpool lanes. Drop boyfriend off. Drive to Tacoma. Pass about eight other spas on your way there. Say “I had no idea this was Spa Central.” Pull up to your designated spa, all excited, with fifteen minutes to spare. It’s in a strip mall.
1:45 Wrangle with the very nice lady at the front desk about who’s going to get a massage when. Take off shoes and put them in the shoe rack underneath a gigantic display of fake roses, the kind with raindrops on them. Change into your spa robe and your spa hat, which looks like a pink and white striped cotton shower cap with Korean characters on it. Every woman in the spa has to wear this cap at all times, even when they’re naked. Decide that this cap is what your general fashion sense has been missing all this time. Take a “cleansing shower.” Make plans to rendezvous in the whirlpools after everyone gets her massage, bid Abi and Treasa goodbye as they are whisked off (wearing their caps).Go to the spa cafe, and have gigantic bowl of Korean dumpling soup, with lots of veggies, as well as lots of little dishes with things like steamed tofu and spinach with chili in them. Read your book, trying not to let your spa robe drape open too suggestively…I mean, people are trying to eat in here!
2:00 Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. Oh, God. Oh, yes, right there, right there. Oh, ow, wait, that’s a little tender. Oh, yes, okay, yes, that’s the spot. Ahhhhhh. Eeeeeeee. Oooooohhhh. That feels so good. Smile dreamily at Sarah, your massage lady, and give her a big fat tip when you leave.
3:00 Whirlpool time! Take off your spa robe, but retain your cap, following posted instructions which sternly inform you that you MUST BE NAKED to go in the pools. Abi and Treasa are already there, having had their own Korean lunch while you were with Sarah. Turns out Treasa had Sarah for her massage lady as well. Give each other knowing looks. You love Sarah. Sit in whirlpool. Gossip about people you know. Look at all the naked ladies. Notice several older Korean ladies bringing in their spa kits to the Asian-style sit-down showers. Clearly these women know what they’re doing. Look at one naked lady with tattoos all down her left side. Admire her fortitude, but agree collectively that perhaps it’s not really for you. Discuss belly rings, ear piercings that never healed. Go into hotter pool, and then into freezing cold pool with waterfall. Get out of that one pretty quick. You were raised in Miami. You have naturally thin blood. Notice one of the spa staff taking the pH of one of the pools, which both Treasa and Abi find very interesting.
4:00 Mugwort! It’s mugwort time! This is a little trough filled with what looks like green tea. After you see one of the naked ladies pour some of this tea over herself, go and do the same. This is the most refreshing thing any of you have ever experienced. Take off your spa caps for a minute and pour the mugwort over your heads and faces. Ahhhhhhh. You love mugwort. Mugwort is the best. Pass the bodyscrubbing room on your way to your towel, where women in sports bras and towels beat up on more naked ladies, scrubbing them really hard with prickly things and putting salt on them and rubbing oil onto them and splashing them with more (yay!) mugwort. Admit that, from what you can see, the body scrubbers are highly skilled professionals and the body scrubbees do have glowing flesh, once the abrasions fade a little. Decide you’re going to get the whole treatment as soon as you get a job, whenever that may be. Decide this is going to be your big thing for every special occasion ever. Have one more sluice of mugwort, just for happiness, before you leave the whirlpool room.
5:00 Go into the hot rooms. Sit in the salt room, which is a room filled with salt and covered with canvas. It’s very hot. Sit in the mud and jade room, which is a room with jade embedded in the walls, floored with tatami matting, and is even hotter. Notice some dry mugwort in baskets in the corners. Man, you love mugwort. Remark, as you are nestling into the burning hot salt, that you all really like it that the emphasis at this spa isn’t really gorgeousness, but is more about health. Say that you like the shampoo they have in the showers. Decide you are being baked alive and get on out of there. Drink lots of water when you get out.
5:30 Hop in the various whirlpools again and take more showers and, oh, what the hell, do some more mugwort. Mugwort is so great. Ahhhhh. Finally take off spa caps in the locker room. Weigh yourself on both the scales, neither of which seems right. Get dressed. You kind of liked padding around barefoot wearing only a robe. Sigh. Sit in the lounge for a couple of minutes with your feet on the foot massagers, drinking water and reading YM. Hey, Christina Kelly is the editor now! You remember her when she was the coolest writer at Sassy. Sigh. The sun is very bright when you leave the spa, all sweet-smelling and very very relaxed. Vow you’re going to bring every single one of your women friends here. Think about getting a membership. Notice Abi is carrying a very pretty pink and red silk bag full of…wait, could it be? Yes! Mugwort!