The bus is a good thing, I think. I am down with less car use in general, and I’m glad to live in a city with decent public transpo. I would really like to see the proposed Seattle monorail happen, though there doesn’t seem much chance of that. But until then, I get on the 73 or 78 at the Safeway park-and-ride, and come home from the Ave on the 78.
Usually it’s pretty low key. I get on, I show my pass, I find a seat facing forward in the front of the bus, I get out my bus book. Twenty minutes later, I get off and head into work. Straight forward. I used to have to take the bus downtown to the bus tunnels, and that was very often a freakshow. But not so much anymore.
Now, I have to say that I’m a stickler for bus etiquette, or at least my verison thereof. The cardinal rule here is Not Everyone Here Wants To Hear Your Private Conversation, Whether In Person or On Cellphone. I hardly ever ride the bus with anyone, so I always feel excruciatingly aware of folks’ natterings. What else am I supposed to do, especially if the person has a very penetrating voice that cuts through my reading? “Yeah, we’re passing the HUB, and I’ll be at the dorm in three minutes. Uh huh. Well, whatever, she said the sex wasn’t that great, so why shouldn’t she go back to men? I know. I know. Yeah, okay, two minutes until the dorm.”
In fact, I hate this so much that I one time very obstreperously shushed my own sister when she was here last summer…she was talking to my mom, and I was convinced (wrongly) that the entire bus was giving us the stink eye because she was commenting on various sights as seen from the bus window. She was (rightly) unhappy with me, and I have to admit that not everyone shares this feeling about Being Quiet While Commuting. Okay, fine, I’ll let it go with a small eye roll.
But I’m talking about passengers. Today on the bus, the person violating this rule was the driver. And you know that’s not right.
The regular guy who drives the 78 that I usually take is pretty soft spoken and has long gray hippie hair. He nods when I get on, he says thanks when I say thank you as I get off, he announces the streets. That’s about it. It’s nice. But today, I noticed with apprehension, there was a new bus driver, and he felt that the bus was his personal stage. The bus drivers have a little microphone into which they announce the streets, for those of you who drive to work. This guy whistled really badly and really loudly the entire way. Now that’s bad enough, but he also had a little comment for every single person who got on or off the bus. Do you comprehend the depth of the annoyance here, my friends? I said, every single person at every single stop.
Lady Getting On Bus: Do you stop at 65th?
Annoying Bus Driver: We-hell! Depends on if I feel like it or not! Ha haaa!
Chiara: (eye roll)
Annoying Bus Driver: (loud tuneless whistling into the microphone)
Different Lady Getting Off Bus: Thanks for the ride.
Annoying Bus Driver: Oh, you’re glad you’re getting off now…having a little trouble with the steering box, and I don’t know if we’ll make it up the hill! Ha haaa! That’s right! Might not make it up the hill!
Chiara: (digs through bag again, frantically looking for book she forgot this morning)
Annoying Bus Driver (into microphone): Hey there, back of the bus!
Back Of The Bus: (resounding silence)
Annoying Bus Driver: I said, hey, back of the bus! You too warm back there? [I was waiting for him to say “Now raise your hands in the air! And wave them like you just don’t care!”]
Back Of The Bus: (nervous shifting in seats)
Annoying Bus Driver: Boy, you all aren’t going to be my picks for Karaoke Wednesday! [actual quote]. Come on now, don’t be shy! Too hot, too cold, what?
Chiara (under breath): Dude, I think we’re all fine. Just shut up and drive the bus.
Annoying Bus Drive: You all must have stage fright! Ha haaaa!
Chiara (under breath): Kill me now.
Annoying Bus Driver: (loud tuneless whistling into microphone)
Chiara, Getting Off The Bus: Thank. You.
Annoying Bus Diver: Well, sure, little lady! (catching Chiara’s steely glare) I mean…uh, yeah. Okay.