Band Tension

[Chiara and her bandmate Jez are working on their new song at their friend Rachel’s flat. From behind a closed door some indications of band tension begin to emanate…]

Chiara: But it goes: the verse about the whiskers, then the pre-chorus with the abalone, then the Pacific Ocean pre-chorus, then the chorus.

Jez: What I’m telling you is that it doesn’t scan to go abalone then Pacific Ocean. It doesn’t work musically. You have to sing it again, you hear that? It should go: Pacific Ocean, and then abalone, and then the chorus.

Chiara: What I’m telling you is that Pacific Ocean then abalone doesn’t make sense. Lyrically! Lyrically it doesn’t make sense! Why would otters share an abalone after they bite each others’ noses?

Jez: Listen [sings]: “Our love’s deep like the…PACIFIC OCEAN…” You have to go to another pre-chorus there, you can’t go right to the chorus.

Chiara: You can’t?

Jez: You can’t. You have to sing the abalone one and then the Pacific Ocean one and then the chorus. You get it?

Chiara: But… the lady otter wouldn’t talk about being the dude otter’s one and only after they had sex. Why would she talk about perfect devotion before she offers him an abalone? It sounds exactly the same as the abalone pre-chorus! Exactly the same!

Jez: No it doesn’t.

Chiara: Yes it does!

Jez: It doesn’t.

Chiara: IT. DOES.

Jez: No, sorry. Hear it? [sings] “…share this abalone..and I’m happy as a clam..” It sounds better. Trust me on this.

Chiara: Shut up Jez! You don’t know!

Jez: Just sing it. Listen. [sings] “Our love’s deep like the Pacific Ocean…” See what I mean? See? Listen? Hear it?

Chiara: I’m taking it to the people! You’ll see!

[she runs into the lounge, where several other buddies are drawing, baking black-and-white-cookies, and playing video games.]

You guys! You guys. You guys, you have to settle some band tension about otters.

Gino: Huh?

Rachel: [updating Facebook] There is sooooo much band tension in my house right now.

Jez: Girl, you can’t…crowdsource this song.

Chiara: Shut up. Okay. Listen. Let’s say that there is a lady otter and a dude otter.

Gino: With you so far.

Chiara: And the lady otter is quietly floating on her back in the sea, anchored by some seaweed, reflecting on life, when ALL OF A SUDDEN a dude otter swims by.

Gino: Got it.

Chiara: And she’s like, Wow, that dude otter looks good, I would like to make sweet otter love with him. This is the whole basis of this song. So far.

Gino: Yep.

Chiara: Okay. Okay, so, in term of the story, lyrically, does it make more sense for the lady otter to offer the dude otter a nice abalone snack before or after they make out? That’s what we’re deciding here.

Aaron: After. Totally after.

Rachel: It could go after.

Jez: See?

Aaron: Yeah, like, from the guy’s perspective, you make out, then you want a snack. She should give him the abalone after.

Jez: SEE?!? You THINK you know everything about otters but you DON’T!

Chiara: I know WAY MORE ABOUT OTTERS than you!

Gino: It does make sense, sort of. Biologically. You do want a snack after.

Chiara: I can’t believe this. Okay. Okay fine, we’ll sing it both ways and THEN you decide. Jez, play. Do it. Go. Play.

Jez: [rolls eyes, picks up guitar]

Chiara: [sings]

“Oh your eyes shine like the sea
When you twitch your whiskers at me
And your fur so smooth and soft
Is this global warming or are you just hot?

And I hope that you’ll be
My one and only
If we share this abalone

When you bite my nose it’s with
Perfect devotion
And our love’s deep like the
Pacific Ocean

And I’m happy as a clam
I’m just fine the way I am
Just gotta find another otterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
To hold my hand.”

Everyone Else: Huh.

Chiara: That’s the normal way. Now here’s the other way.


When you bite my nose it’s with
Perfect devotion
And our love’s deep like the
Pacific Ocean

And I hope that you’ll be
My one and only
If we share this abalone

That’s Jez’s way and it doesn’t even make sense.

Jez: It sounds better as a song though.

Gino: Yeah but in terms of the lyrics and the story…I think I’m coming round to Chiara’s way.

Aaron: Maybe the abalone can be like, you know, a dinner date? And then they make out?

Jez: No.

Chiara: Yes!

Jez: NO!

Chiara: YES!

Rachel: Calm down, everybody. I think this whole thing is actually all just happening in the lady otter’s mind.

Chiara: In the lady otter’s…mind?

Rachel: Yeah. They make out, and it’s not certain where it’s going to go, if anywhere, so she’s just hoping—as it says in the lyrics—that if she gives him an abalone then he’ll be her one and only. It’s actually immaterial whether they made out or not.

Jez: Yeah! It’s an aspirational abalone.

Chiara: It is?

Rachel: Yeah. The making out just happened. Now it’s up to her to decide where to take it. She might give him an abalone, she might not.

Chiara: I…hmmmm.

Jez: SEE? Do you see NOW?

Chiara: I…guess that could work? Within the world of the song? Could it?

Gino: It does, actually.

Aaron: It does.

Rachel: No need for all this band tension.

Jez: Can we finish the rest of the song now, please?

Chiara: This is going to be the best song about otters holding hands ever.

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  1. rachlovestheweb

    Then I gave everyone Black and White Cookies. Don’t forget that! Except…. wait…. I gave you the cookies BEFORE…. does it make sense????!!!! DOES IT???!!!

  2. I just laughed out loud. For reals.

  3. Oh god, another Chiara song stuck in my head forever’n’ever. I hope to goodness you’re making sure that your song is the *exact same length* as the otter video so it can be the soundtrack. Tell Jez I said that!

  4. Oh my. I have soooo many comments. I obviously support any and all songs about sea otters. I want to cry. I love you.