My Imaginary Boyfriend

Saturday morning, Chiara and her flatties lay around the lounge discussing their respective Friday nights they wait for a load of firewood to arrive, which they will have to lug up four flights of muddy slippery steps if they want to stay even slightly warm for the next eighteen months of Wellington’s winter. Outside, it begins to rain.

CHIARA: …so, in conclusion, I think I’d much rather have a threesome with a nice gay couple instead of with, like, my boyfriend and some girl he’s sort of had his eye on and he figures this is a perfect time to tell me that either we sleep with her, like, right then and there, or he’s going to break up with me. You know? Like if I had to choose.

FLATMATE S: Me too! The gay couple I mean.

CHIARA: A dude gay couple.

FLATMATE S: Ohhhhhh…right. Oh well.

RAIN: I’m falling out of the sky right onto where you three girls will soon be putting sharp splintery wood into jute laundry bags and getting bruises all over you!

FLATMATE A: Your…boyfriend?

CHIARA: My imaginary boyfriend.

RAIN: I am beating against the windowpanes right now!

FLATMATE A: Your imaginary boyfriend.

CHIARA: Yeah. He exists ONLY IN MY MIND.

FLATMATE S: Well I don’t care where he exists, he sounds like a real arsehole!

CHIARA: I know! I mean, he knows I want to be imaginarily monogamous! And I’ve noticed he doesn’t really text or call me very much. I feel like he’s sort of not there for me, you know?

RAIN: I am still coming down! Boy am I wet and cold!

FLATMATE A: And I think it’s rather unchivalrous of him not to show up to help us with the wood.


CHIARA: I have to say I feel like I’m not getting much out of this imaginary relationship.

FLATMATE S: Well maybe you should imagine breaking up with him!

HAIL: Hello! Here I am!

FLATMATE A: I’m sure you can imagine yourself a much nicer boyfriend.

CHIARA: You think?

FLATMATE A: Of course you can.

FLATMATE S: Make sure to imagine someone really strong who will help us with the wood next time, okay?

RAIN: Enjoy catching a cold because of me and having plenty of time to write this silly post from your sneezy sore throat sickbed two days from now!

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  1. Reading this script, it seems like RAIN is trying to be your boyfriend, but is kind of a major jerkface.

    HAIL , based his one line, seems perky (unlike vindictive RAIN). However, I guess it all depends how HAIL delivered his line. Maybe he’s a jerkface boyfriend-wannabe too….

  2. Could be worse; your imaginary bf could be so perfect and wonderful that he ruins you for all real live boys. Which would be a sad loss for you know, us!

  3. Haha — that’s hilarious! My imaginary boyfriend is a jerk, too. Just ask Rachlovestheweb. ;) Get better soon so we can hang out, m’kay?

  4. Yesterday we were walking down the street when a girl walking with a boy tripped and fell down. The boy laughed and laughed. I think he may be your imaginary boyfriend, and with another girl!

  5. I was tapping on the window but you didn’t let me in, I just wanted to hug you with my wetness and be there for you. I heard your flatmate saying you needed someone strong but I’m liquid, so I stepped up my game and turned into Hail, but still you didn’t let me in.
    And now you’re sick.
    I’ll keep gently tapping on your window, in hope that you might look up, smile, and let me in.

  6. I may stop by tomorrow night.

  7. uh oh, is it stalkerish that RAIN has learned how to type and leave blog comments? And in doing so, RAIN has revealed that he is indeed the very same imaginary BF-wannabe as HAIL! (And I have a creeping suspicion that SNOW isn’t another suitor at all, it’s just RAIN/HAIL in another guise!! Don’t let him fool you!).

    I think you should hold out for SUN, now there’s a boyfriend worth waiting for…..

  8. Sorry, what? I was just watching World Cup … aw, it’s over! Oh well, guess I’ll go hang out in Tahiti for a bit, but I’ll be sure to send SLEET and FREEZING RAIN over to help with the wood next time. Best wishes …

  9. I want you to know that my laptop very nearly just got covered with the not insignificant amount of water that I just spit all over my lap. I blame RAIN.

    Or myself for reading your blog while drinking. At least it wasn’t coffee?

    (And I hope you feel better soon, love!)

  10. Hehehe… Watch out for Frost too, and other “imaginary weather based boyfriends”… RAIN sounds a bit needy, and you just don’t want to get involved with a needy imaginary boyfriend.

    Long time, no-post from me – but have a new lease of net-based life thanks to my new netbook :) Woohoo!