I have been trying and failing to write an entry that will adequately describe to you how I felt when I got the call yesterday offering me a new job in Wellington—the job that will get me there, that will expedite the residency application process, that is actually something I’m excited about career-wise. I was thinking of extending a metaphor or varying upon a theme but nothing’s happening—I can hardly even accept the plain fact (I got a job! I’m going back! Eeeee!) and all I can think about are the details: when will D. be able to get there, what will the plane fares be like, which suburb will I live in, maybe Haitaitai, should I have my returning do at the Southern Cross again, how am I going to learn to drive on the other side of the road, when will I get all my medical stuff done so I can send the application to London, hey why is my application for New Zealand residency going to London anyway and why do I have to pay the fee in horrid pounds stirling instead of lovely Kiwi dollars, will anyone in Wellington even remember me, when will Mom be able to visit again, how many pairs of black shoes should I bring with me? I had to work at school this morning, early, but that didn’t stop me from getting only three hours of sleep last night, thinking thinking thinking about it.
My mom’s out of town so I was all alone last night (it was Monday morning in Wellington); when I called her to tell her the news she was more emotional than I was and sent me a text saying “Oh Chiara, all your dreams are coming true!” while I just sort of drank a cup of tea and fed the cat and walked around the house in a daze, feeling remarkably like I did on Tuesday night, blinking slowly and saying “Really? Wow. That’s so grea…I’m so happ…Really?”
I heard about this job almost two months ago now, applied six weeks ago and interviewed three weeks ago. I was trying very hard not to want it too much, not to jinx myself, and as a result I became very superstitious for a couple of days—except I couldn’t decide in which direction: did good things happening mean I was going to get it because I was having a run on my luck, or did bad things happening mean that I was going to get it because surely it was time for the universe to balance itself. I couldn’t decide, and so any time anything happened to me or anyone I knew (someone else not getting a job she wanted, a friend’s new baby being born, the surprising presence of some delicious broccoli rabe at my local supermarket) I would brood over it and overanalyze it and freak myself out not knowing what it foretold for me specifically. When Obama really did win I had to back up a little and remind myself that that political victory and my personal wishes about which hemisphere to inhabit were not necessarily mutually exclusive (although they might have been) and that it was possible for me to have both (theoretically) and then I had to just—blank out, I guess, just remind myself that my plan B was firmly in place, my plan C was firmly in place, that it was just a matter of time. I just tried not to want it too much—but I have to admit, the waiting was killing me.
The waiting is different now because there’s a schedule and a deadline—the job doesn’t start for a couple of months so I have plenty of time for the application and to get a decent ticket and to spend the holidays with my mom and to get everything ready that needed to get ready. That’s been one of my fears, actually, that I’d have to shift immediately into high-powered gear and not have any time to do what needed to get done, ironically enough after spending what feels like so much time doing nothing because I didn’t know when it was going to be, when I was going to go. I had no idea what was happening when.
And honestly, in the last week or so, when I’ve been feeling pretty low and pretty discouraged, I’d begun to wonder if it was really when I was going to go and if it was going to become if I was going to go. Things have felt a bit abstract for a while now—I guess when you think non-stop about a single subject for over a year it has a way of blending into the background because anything else is unsustainable, and I was having real difficulty remembering a time when I thought my little trip to New Zealand would be just a year’s adventure, when I didn’t actively want to stay there and live there and be there, like, for real. I’d spreadsheeted almost every aspect of my eventual return to New Zealand but in the last week or so I was unpleasantly reminded that if for some reason New Zealand didn’t work out—well, that’s where I was missing a backup plan. I remember telling Linda over the summer: “I just sold my blender, you know?” As ridiculous as moving to the other side of the world again was feeling, staying in the States was feeling even more far-fetched, for reasons I still don’t entirely understand—but I had just started thinking seriously about that by the time I got that call last night.
And now can think about all those other things instead. Now being in Miami feels more like a rare chance, a gift, instead of a threadbare default. I can plan and save and choose and daydream with a purpose now, I can see New Zealand in the near distance again, I can see my way back again.
Comments
21 responses to “My Way Back”
oh, hurray! I am so glad for you.
Oh, so happy for you. Wow. Just…
Wow.
The rest of your life is beginning. I’m so happy for you!
Crying, crying. I am so happy for you, girl. It seems silly to believe it now, of course, but the dreams were there for us all the time, they always were – they were just waiting until we were ready enough to reach out and GRAB them.
Awesome news!
I’m so happy for you! That’s the best news I’ve heard since the election. ;o)
“will anyone in Wellington even remember me”
Don’t make us sing Nat King Cole lyrics at you, now! ;-)
You coming back makes Sylvia happy, and Sylvia being happy makes me happy. :-) Also, I’m looking forward to getting to know you better myself!
Congratulations!
Congratulations!
I look forward to hearing all about it.
Witness the power of those long-ago Top Secret Plans.
As a devoted, longtime Chiara fan, reading this is like deja vu from when I read you were going to New Zealand the first time around. Happy, excited, kind of inexplicably sad, and in awe of the fact there are some people out there who actually do whatever they need to do to realize their dreams. I’m glad you are in the world, no matter what side of it you’re on.
So, so happy for you!
I remember when your Top Secret Plans were for London; maybe your passport needs to go there because you did not :)
I’ve been following your blog for awhile, so when I read yopur most recent entry, it felt like I was heading to NZ! I am so happy for you, and I don’t even know you. :) Congrats, and I’ll be following you on your adventure!!
This is easily the best thing I’ve heard all week. I am so, so happy that this is all working out for you. Look how far your Top Secret Plans have come! It’s absolutely mind-boggling, but in the best way possible.
This is so amazing, sweetheart. I am so happy for you!!
As expected, I am HappySad. *hug*
Oh, Chiara, I’m so THRILLED for you! This is such great happy stupendous news. **dancing**
Okay, now I have to go explain to Michael why I was dancing.
Congratulations!
Yay! I am so happy for you!
Absolutely brilliant!! I’d strongly hoped for you that it would work out, without actively saying I *knew* it would work out – my own wee superstition not to kybosh someone else’s plans inadvertently. Excellent news!
I said this already a little, but again: YAYYYYYYYYYYYY that is such brilliant and fabulous news, girl!
The waiting is the hardest part. Tom Petty knows. Now you do too, because now that the wait is over, and the next chapter is about to begin, you can really enjoy and value the time you have in the States with your friends and family. OMG I’m so happy for you. The joy is overflowing!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxo
Somehow I managed not to see the news until today (I’m blaming work and my continued decorating consultancy with Varuni!)… But it’s great news!
I wondered why everything had gone a bit quiet on the job hunting front – you’d mentioned it before and then nothing… Now I know!
Will send a much longer email (with fuller congratulations!) soon!
Big hugs!
Steven
WOW! I am just seeing this. Congratulations; I am very happy for you.