Attention all you young lovers out there: you are all very adorable and you have cute hair and everything, but seriously, girl, you need to work on your game. If you see me out on a Friday night and you are interested in getting with me, as the kids say, it’s really quite simple: tell me I’m gorgeous and attempt to have some sort of coherent conversation with me, and we’ll be sweet as; we may not have the romance of the century or anything but we’ll probably have a good time dancing to Beyonce and/or drinking lemon-lime-and-bitters and a fine time will be had by all.
With these goals in mind, if you could just avoid the following gems, that would be great, thanks, ‘preciate ya.
Upon learning that I would, in fact, like to remain at the skeezy bar in which I am currently owning the dance floor: “Or we could just go back to yours, eh?”
Upon being told that that’s not going to happen, buddy, and being asked in all sincerity if that ever works: “Well, I usually don’t ask that right off, I just thought I’d try something new with you.”
Upon observing my stylin’ dance movies: “Wait, so you’re sober? That’s…different.”
When told that it’s totally fine with me if he wants to go back inside and find some other girl to go home with, I won’t feel bad, honest: “No, no, I’ll just stay talking to you. It’s too much of a hassle to find another girl.”
When enquiring into my ethnicity: “You’re probably some sort of half-caste, right?”
Upon being told that all my friends were watching him on the dance floor and thinking he was cute: “Yeah, I know.”
When discussing your kissing skills: “Maybe you and I should pash and then we could…rate each other. Because I don’t really know how good I am.”
When asked if you remember my name: “Uh, no.”
Upon seeing another random guy on the street attempting feats of physical prowess by the boat sheds: “My commando roll was much better than his, don’t you think?”
When asked what the last CD you listened to was: “Fitty.”
When telling me your life story in richly rendered detail: “I have never met anyone as crazy as me in my whole entire life.”
Upon learning that I am almost a decade older than you: “Oh, that’s cool—I’ve always wanted to have an experience with a much much older woman.”
And my absolute favorite: “You’re so lucky: I really wish I’d been around for the eighties!”