Just A Hint

Attention all you young lovers out there: you are all very adorable and you have cute hair and everything, but seriously, girl, you need to work on your game. If you see me out on a Friday night and you are interested in getting with me, as the kids say, it’s really quite simple: tell me I’m gorgeous and attempt to have some sort of coherent conversation with me, and we’ll be sweet as; we may not have the romance of the century or anything but we’ll probably have a good time dancing to Beyonce and/or drinking lemon-lime-and-bitters and a fine time will be had by all.

With these goals in mind, if you could just avoid the following gems, that would be great, thanks, ‘preciate ya.

Upon learning that I would, in fact, like to remain at the skeezy bar in which I am currently owning the dance floor: “Or we could just go back to yours, eh?”

Upon being told that that’s not going to happen, buddy, and being asked in all sincerity if that ever works: “Well, I usually don’t ask that right off, I just thought I’d try something new with you.”

Upon observing my stylin’ dance movies: “Wait, so you’re sober? That’s…different.”

When told that it’s totally fine with me if he wants to go back inside and find some other girl to go home with, I won’t feel bad, honest: “No, no, I’ll just stay talking to you. It’s too much of a hassle to find another girl.”

When enquiring into my ethnicity: “You’re probably some sort of half-caste, right?”

Upon being told that all my friends were watching him on the dance floor and thinking he was cute: “Yeah, I know.”

When discussing your kissing skills: “Maybe you and I should pash and then we could…rate each other. Because I don’t really know how good I am.”

When asked if you remember my name: “Uh, no.”

Upon seeing another random guy on the street attempting feats of physical prowess by the boat sheds: “My commando roll was much better than his, don’t you think?”

When asked what the last CD you listened to was: “Fitty.”

When telling me your life story in richly rendered detail: “I have never met anyone as crazy as me in my whole entire life.”

Upon learning that I am almost a decade older than you: “Oh, that’s cool—I’ve always wanted to have an experience with a much much older woman.”

And my absolute favorite: “You’re so lucky: I really wish I’d been around for the eighties!”

12 comments

  1. I’m quite certain that last one would have deserved a lemon-lime-and-bitters in the face, because OH MY GOD.

  2. BWAHAHAHAHA Oh, man, that’s amazing. Seriously, I’m crying from laughter imagining the looks you must have been giving him! Amazing…

  3. Oh My *GOD*.

  4. I would have passed out from laughter after hearing the first couple – how did you maintain the converstaion long enough for him to get all those beauties out!!??

  5. That’s going in the “too funny to have been made up” box. Wow!

  6. hahahaha. oh my. he’s a KEEPER.

  7. Wow. That’s so bad that it loops right back around to awesome. I’m sorry you had to go through that, but, man, you have to admit it makes for a good story now.

  8. wait, those were all the SAME guy?!

  9. Damn! Those are too much! Thanks for making me laugh!

  10. I can’t decide whether I’m more alarmed to think these all came from one man, or they came from a lot of different men.

    Either way, I think “Can’t hear you over the music! SORRY!” followed by turning away to dance with your mates is the only appropriate response.

  11. I have no game at all, and I can do better than that! Man…I apologize on behalf of my gender.

  12. To be fair, conherant conversatiopn in a club is nigh on impossible (without the use of semaphore flags) – but those efforts are cringe-worthy… I assume you used the patented “Talk to the hand” dismissal???