Comments on: You Just Have To Be Open

By: Tracy

Tracy — Fri, 08 Jun 2007 03:02:03 +0000

Have been thinking about this lately, as three of my closest oldest friends are fabulous early-30′s women who would like to be married now but for various reasons (travel, work, asshole ex-boyfriends) are not. Thinking about it because there but for the grace of the Octopus goes I, as my own marriage was a random right-place-right time thing. I know each of them secretly feels like an old maid, like she is losing the prize. It makes me sad, and wishing I could fix it.

I have another friend who loudly and often laments being single, and to her I say “just be your best self!!!” — because I am too chicken to say, “Listen, you’re kind of clingy and really needy and you obsess about having a boyfriend and you give off that smell of desperation, you did even when we were all 22 and trying to be single, so if you don’t work on that you’ll not only be romantically alone but your friends are going to drift away too. p.s. the smoker’s breath might also be working against you.”

But we aren’t close enough friends for me to say that in a vacuum, plus there is a big responsibility that comes with that kind of tough love, and I’m not home enough to invest time with that person right now, and it’s shitty of me to say something cruelly honest and then flit back out of town. So I offer platitudes.

In her case, I will probably continue to offer platitudes. But in the case of all my other fabulous friends who would like to be With Someone but aren’t, I think I’ll buck up and start to say instead, “It does suck, and I do think it’s mostly the Lottery of Life, and I hope you know that you are amazing and fantastic regardless, and that I would totally marry you and buy a house on a hillside and a dog with you.” And I will continue to try and avoid that most egregious of attitudes: Smug Married.

By: babs

babs — Mon, 04 Jun 2007 14:58:46 +0000

A friend pointed me to this, and I really really love it. Sometimes what I really hate is how life is all about this “prize” of the relationship… and that if you’re single, you’ve somehow failed at winning that “prize.” (and the platitude people will say “oh, you shouldn’t think that way!” gag. I wish they’d all learn to just agree with me and say “It sucks, doesn’t it?”)

By: Lisa

Lisa — Mon, 04 Jun 2007 05:09:41 +0000

You peeked into my brain, didn’t you??? This was perfect. Thank you.

By: Jem

Jem — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 07:23:08 +0000

I concur about the octopus part. AWESOME PARAGRAPH.

Well, it is random. Even if you end up with someone, even that girl who wrote that entry, whos to say they’ll be together forever, no matter what? No one can ever say that, even if its 99% sure. And then they’re back where you are. Its circular, but not even. You could be in your situation for a year until you meet someone, or you could stay single your entire life. You’ve lived nowhere near close to half an average lifetime and only half of that is time that actually could have been spent in relationships. You have a lot of time for things to change and do whatever sort of things time does, so that in 20
years you look back and think “Hey, things were different back then.”

By: Linda

Linda — Thu, 31 May 2007 04:38:52 +0000

I just want to say this was some damn fine writing, and the bit regarding the octopus was possibly the best thing I’ve read EVER.

By: Ben

Ben — Thu, 31 May 2007 01:20:35 +0000

You will end up alone forever and ever. Ok, probably not, but I didn’t want to be like everyone else and blow wind up your skirt. The beginning is dead on, people with their darn platitudes. Can’t we all just admit that things suck sometimes and listen instead of the knee jerk “there there, you find love sweetie”. ps. I love your blog and tell all my friends that they should read it. You are a great writer. Thank you for sharing yo!

By: Renee

Renee — Wed, 30 May 2007 01:37:42 +0000

I don’t know what to say. You’re totally awesome and you will find someone. Maybe it will take some pro-active steps like computer dating (don’t sneer–I know successful marriages that have come from that) but it will happen.

Scott and I were basically set up. It took a while to take, of course…

By: Renee

Renee — Wed, 30 May 2007 01:26:22 +0000

I feel this same way. The moments of fabulosity intermingled with grief, for the children I am not likely to have at this point, for the partner who can’t seem to find my door. I am 40 this year, and I am tired of feeling this blind panic that there is something I should be DOING to MAKE IT be my turn already. When I know, there is nothing to do. There is no such thing as a “turn.”

By: Penny

Penny — Tue, 29 May 2007 20:56:30 +0000

The things people say that are meant to be comforting or constructive or whatever really are not, and I won’t say them because sometimes people say them to me too and I find it obnoxious.

By: Chelsea

Chelsea — Tue, 29 May 2007 18:51:32 +0000

I think that the whole spiel of “be your best self,” etc. is good advice; not because it will get you a boyfriend, but because you can have a good time while you’re waiting. ;) And, like you said, that way, not finding someone doesn’t end up the worst thing ever. I’d much rather be happy with myself, than unhappy with someone else.