SHARK!

Apparently I want to write about nothing more than silly. conversations I’ve been having recently. So: Sunday night, and it’s time for Planet Earth, the best nature show in the history of nature shows.

Chiara: [sitting on the couch wrapped up in a blanket, talking to herself] I very much enjoy footage of swaying kelp forests.

Chiara: [Dipping a ginger nut into her tea] I am also a fan of the sunflower seastar—that thing is tearing up those brittle stars.

Chiara: [wiping away a wee tear] Ah, octopus. My only love.

Chiara: My goodness, aren’t those playful fur seals delightful and enchant…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH SHARK SHARK SHARK! [yelling to housemate] Girl! Get in here, girl!

A: [running in from her room] What? What?

Chiara: SHARK! Hurry! Hurry!

A.: SHARK! What did I miss? Sorry I’m just wearing my cycle pants here!

Chiara: No worries! SHARK!

A: There is no way that’s real. That has got to be computer-generated. LOOK AT THAT THING.

Chiara: No! This is Attenborough we’re talking about! He will not lead us astray!

A: Wow. That’s crazy, eh. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE, SEAL!

Chiara: [covering eyes and peeking out between fingers] It’s too late! Poor seal. At least it was quick. I’m assuming.

A.: That shark is bad-ass. I love sharks.

Chiara: Oh man, can you imagine? If that shark fucking came up out of the water at you in slow motion like that?

A.: Yeah, mate, your surfboard’s not going to save you now.

Chiara: Oh, man. That was awesome. I love this show. We have to get the DVD player fixed so I can watch the other episodes.

A.: Turn it to the animal channel! I want more! I’m all into the animals now!

Chiara: Okay. Um, Discovery Channel?

A.: No, that’s World War II docos. Keep going. I think it’s channel 80.

Chiara: That looks like MTV.

A.: That looks like another WWII doco…wait! Snakes!

Chiara: Okay, native New Zealander, you have no experience with this sort of thing, so stay away from the snakes. Don’t do like that guy. Run AWAY.

A.: When I first went to Australia I was terrified that there were going to be snakes in the back yard and that they were going to kill me.

Chiara: Well, a lot of things in Australia do want to kill you.

A.: Yeah, but they’re not…oh, look, ants! ANTS!

Chiara: Yay! Ants!

A: That’s a lot of ants.

Chiara: Even the scorpions are running away from those ants.

A.: Daaaaaaaaaamn.

Chiara: Those ants want to fuck you up.

A.: Have there been any weird New Zealand insects that have surprised you?

Chiara: Well, the cave wetas were cool, and I’ve seen some cool snails…* but I grew up in South Florida and I’ve been to Costa Rica and seen stag beetles and one time I saw a guy eat a live katydid and then another time I found a nest of spiders behind my bed, so…no.

A.: Oh.

Chiara: We have fire ants at home, too.

A.: Like those?

Chiara: Yeah, but angrier. But these crazy Australian ants seem pretty mad, too, actually.

A.: It’s climbing onto the AntCam! It’s trying to kill the cameraman! We have to watch this sort of thing more often—it’s better than Predator Vs. Alien.

Chiara: Ha! Predator vs. Alien fears this sort of thing.

A.: My friend at work says that ants could take over the world, if they wanted.

Chiara: Well, according to the ants, they already have.

* I am totally aware that snails are not insects.