Tell her not to go
I ain’t holding on no more
It’s not the Friday nights watching movies you know he’d love, or the emails you used to send each other at the very same time, or the hikes or the favorite restaurants or the smell of his skin. It’s not even the history together, knowing each other since the early nineties, growing up together, the way you began to physically resemble each other at around the third year. Those things were precious to you but they are slowly fading, day after day after day, just like everyone has been promising you they would. You have routines now that don’t include him, private jokes he wouldn’t get, tastes he doesn’t share. That part is fine. What it is, the thing that makes you know your heart is broken deep and hard and in the center, is not knowing what he thinks about all this, where his heart is. It’s not being the person who knows him best in the world any more, of knowing him less and less, every day. You’re done talking about it for the most part, but you wish there was a way to listen.
Tell her not to cry
I just got scared that’s all
There’s no such thing as closure in this situation, you believe, but that doesn’t stop you from wondering what he would tell you, if he could, if you could stand to see his face or hear his voice ever again in your life, which you’re pretty sure you can’t. Did you leave at the right time? Would he have had more to say, more to tell you, if you hadn’t been screaming so loudly about what you wanted and needed, ways he needed to change, ways you were miserable? What if you’d been quieter? You spin it and spin it and spin it and it never adds up, he never stays, he never says what you want him to say, no matter how much you want him to say it.
“It’s much easier without you.”
That’s what you think of, now, when you think about him. Among other things.
Tell her what was wrong
I sometimes think too much
But say nothing at all
Oh, come back to me. Tell me everything I want to hear, everything I heard you say in my head all those years, everything I keep hearing you say now. Come back, come back. Come back, come back.
Tell her something in my mind
Freezes up from time to time.
He’s never, ever coming back. I wouldn’t be able to listen to him if he did. I won’t ever be able to hear what he has to say. There are times when his silence is the biggest thing in my world.