This is the greatest thing ever. I am so excited about this. Guess what I did last night, boys and girls? I stuck it to the MAN, is what I did!
Here’s how it went down: I had to go to the mall yesterday because I had to exchange some lacy unmentionables I’d received for my birthday from Victoria’s Secret. I walked in there with Carl, who promptly found a chair and sat down with the latest issue of Couloir (we’d just been to REI, you see). I had the following conversation with a tiny, nervous salesperson. The Victoria’s Secret equivalent of a Chihuahua, I think.
Chiara Hi, yeah, I’d like to exchange these [lacy unmentionables] for some other [lacy unmentionables].
Salesperson Uhhhhhh…..ummmmm. Okay! Yes! Right here is where we have those things that you said that you want because they’re right here on the table over here on the table would you like to open a Victoria’s Secret account today? Right here on the table! Here! Right here!
Chiara Okay. Thanks.
After perusing the possibilities on the aforementioned table, I noticed that there didn’t seem to be any unmentionables in my size. You might think I would be embarrassed about wearing a size larger than XS, and you might think I would curl up on the floor (while sucking in my stomach) and weep helplessly about the state of my non-toned thighs and my abs of any material other than steel. Nope. Not me. When it comes to unmentionables, I know my rights…in fact I’m almost positive it’s in the Constitution that the wearing of unmentionables that bind at the leg is not allowed… and so after looking through every single thing on that table, I marched right back up to the quivering salesperson. I don’t know why she was so nervous, other than that she was very small and was possibly afraid that I would trip on the pink carpet and then fall on her, thereby rendering her crushed and insensible? Maybe I was rude, even though I was trying to be polite? I don’t know. I didn’t call her a Chihuahua to her face or anything…I mean, I just thought that up right now. Chihuahuas are very nice dogs, as far as I know.
Chiara I notice you don’t have any in the larger sizes?
Salesperson We don’t?
Chiara No, I don’t see any.
Salesperson Well, maybe we have some under here! Under the table, right here, under the table! In these boxes? Are these big enough for you, right under here? I know they’re not the cute spring colors like you like but are they big enough? To fit you? Under here, right under the table, right here under the table? Can you fit into these, right over here?
Chiara Yes. Fine. Okay. I’ll get some in leopard print. Great.
Salesperson Would you like to open a Victoria’s Secret account today?
Clearly, this is not the point of the evening where the MAN got his. Mainly what happened was that she wrapped up my stuff, I had a brief search and rescue mission to find Carl, tried unsuccessfully to find an Enhancer, and then got ready to go home. We passed by Bath and Body Works. “Oh, man!” I said. “I haven’t been in here for so long!” We went in and did the thing where you pick up hand massagers and rub each others’ backs, and I squirted on some stuff, and wandered around and touched things. Another salesperson pounced. She was very assertive.
Salesperson Have you tried our new Sugar Scrub yet?
Chiara (truthfully): Nope.
Salesperson: WELL! Let’s get you set up, darlin’!
She grabbed me by the hand and hauled me on over to the sink.
Salesperson (rubbing Chiara’s hand with stuff): See, this is REAL SUGAR and REAL ESSENTIAL OILS and it’s very exfoliating. That’s what the sugar does, just takes off the dead skin. You can use it after you shave your legs, no razor burn! Don’t you just love this?
Chiara (truthfully) Yes I do.
Inside Chiara’s head Hmm. Sugar and oil, huh?
Salesperson (giving Chiara a hand massage) Well, it’s right over there in Aromatherapy. Doesn’t that feel soft and smooth?
Chiara (truthfully) It sure does!
I went over to Aromatherapy, as suggested, and checked out the Sugar Scrub. I looked at the price tag.
Price Tag $20.
Inside Chiara’s Head I am SO making this when I get home.
Chiara (to Carl, who I think was a little sad that the pretty salesperson didn’t give him a hand massage) I am SO making this when I get home.
I did. I ran right home and mixed up some, you guessed it, sugar, with this gorgeous grapefruit-geranium massage oil that I got for my birthday a couple of years ago (oil doesn’t go bad, does it?). I also happened to have some dried lavendar in the house and so I threw some of that in there as well. Stir up with chopstick and eureka! Sugar scrub, baby!
Price Tag $0.
The sugar I used was slightly finer than the stuff the Salesperson put on me, but it was still super smooth and soft. I put it on my hands. That felt so soft and smooth I put it on my elbows. Then my arms. Then my hands again. I put it on Carl’s feet (he got his massage after all!) who said it felt really weird to have his feet feel that soft. He put it on my feet and then I put it on my knees and then my legs, even though it’s been a while since I mowed…I mean, “shaved”…my legs. By that time I’d used it all up and so I mixed up another batch, this time using regular olive oil and a different kind of sugar, and with a little honey and vitamin E oil. Just as good…and most importantly, JUST AS FREE. Ha! Take that, The Man! I’m going to keep my twenty dollars, and spend it probably, on all sorts of essential oils so that I can make some of this stuff for everyone I know! Yeah! Unh!
I didn’t measure very exactly, but here’s what I did. Seriously, try this right now. It’s so great.
–1 mustard jar with screw top lid
–Two or three spoonsful of sugar, whatever you have in the house
–Enough oil to cover by about quarter inch, maybe? It should be oily, not dry. When you let it sit the oil should separate out a little.
–Vitamin E oil or honey or lavendar flowers or whatever else you want to put in there that smells good and is good for your skin. I think using actual food or food-grade stuff is best because you’re going to soak it right up.
Mix it all up with a chopstick and go to town. You are going to be so exfoliated and soft and gooey, you won’t even know what to do with yourself. And let me remind you, once again:
Price Tag $0.