My Resume

Chiara Mylastname, My House, My Street, Seattle, WA, My ZipCode

OBJECTIVE To get a job at a cool agency doing semi-interesting work that will give me a paycheck and some goldang benefits, with cool co-workers and a flexible schedule. A really big paycheck.

SKILLS
Complaining vociferously to co-workers about boss
Surreptitiously web surfing during work hours
Wearing the same eight outfits to work in a strict rotation
Weeping quietly at desk

EDUCATION
Pitzer College 1993-1997. B.A. in Developmental Psychology with an Emphasis in Gender and Culture. Made this major up. For real. Just made it up! Spent long nights discussing validity to being a liberal arts major, or going to a liberal arts school at all, with disgruntled math and science types. Raised hand a lot in classes. Did time in Women’s Studies; proclaimed self socialist at various times. Appeared in low-budget student theater to non-thunderous non-applause.

University of Washington School of Social Work. 1999-2001. MSW with concentration in Health and Mental Health. Left perfectly good job to go back to school. Spent long afternoons discussing validity of trying to help anyone; took classes with names like “Social Justice and Cultural Diversity.” Raised hand a lot in class. Declared self socialist a couple more times; got laughed at by actual socialists. Did go to the WTO protests for aforementioned Social Justice and Cultural Diversity class and got promptly pepper-sprayed for my trouble, but also got A in class.

RELEVANT EXPERIENCE
1997-1999 Admission Counselor, Alma Mater. Fell into job as extension of work-study job. Had salary and office with door that closed, candy dish. Interviewed high school students only four years younger than self, judged them, and made decisions about their lives. Traveled to exotic locations like Cincinnati, Ohio, and Phoenix, Arizona. Forced to go to many conferences and watch colleagues get drunk and sing karaoke. Very close with lovely and talented co-worker; cried when had to leave her.

July 1999-August 2000 Receptionist, Small Natural History Museum. Answered phones, distributed mail, and cleaned a lot of large glass windows, thereby learning a lot about Pacific Northwest Native American history and dinosaurs. Used “the Claw” to retrieve pencils and clipboards from displays. Accepted dead birds and live spiders for identification by ornithologists and the spider guy. Worked events and kept event-goers from leaving cups and making out in display cases, took leftover catered food home.

Jan-March 2000 Unpaid Practicum, Horrible Residential Treatment Center. Assigned very bad practicum placement. Tried to interact with highly behaviorally and emotionally disturbed adolescent boys; broke heart when read their files and learned of all the horrible things that had happened to them. Was told by supervisor, “I’m here to piss you off.” Created weekly “menus” for kids under guise of learning “systems orientation.” Practicum placement ended when supervisor was fired.

March-May 2000 Unpaid Practicum, Small Hospice and Skilled Nursing Facility. Dealt with doctors. A lot. Got to meet lots of very cool old people and learn their stories. Had first patient die in between his initial meeting with me and his appointment to go over his Medicaid. Became very interested in elder rights, considered joining the AARP at the age of 25. Called Mom in a tizzy and told her to get long-term care insurance right this very minute.

September 2000-May 2001 Unpaid Practicum, Managed Care Mental Health Agency. Got third choice practicum placement. Assigned to highly intimidating, highly cognitive-behavioral supervisor. Had office with door that closed but no windows; kept stuffed animals and a magic wand in room. Ate lunch at desk every afternoon, wore business casual. Saw lots and lots and lots of clients with a wiiiiiiiiiide variety of mental health issues. Experienced near-debilitating anxiety in between clients, mostly unallayed by supervisor. Strained patience of significant other through basket-case-ness. Broke copy machine several times and never did learn to dictate intakes. Made special bookmarks for copy of DSM-IV.

Summer 2001 Unemployed. For three long months.

September 2001-April Research Assistant and Personal Whipping Girl, School of Social Work. Spent long hours of fleeting youth in front of computer, making piddly little Excel files, downloading stuff off internet because highly eccentric boss didn’t know how to use it, called Michigan a lot. Earned pity of entire administrative staff. Spent long dark hours in various libraries. Got boss’ mail, handed it to her, waited while she flipped through it asking “What is this?”, handed it back to me, told her what the mail was (“It’s from your pension plan.” “It’s from the American Gerontological Association.”), and handed it back to her. Sent a lot of packages through UPS.

Currently Unemployed. Except once a week, go and be a therapist again at Lovely Small Low-Income Counseling Agency. Be frustrated with self often, but generally like clients. Like and trust supervisor very much. Hope this all has some meaning somehow, that my career isn’t an elaborate joke, and that a good place for me is just around the corner.

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